My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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