i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize