Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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