Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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