I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
