Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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