I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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