the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
