I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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