Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
