I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
