I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
