and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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