you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
