I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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