just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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