they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
