During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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