Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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