i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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