Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
