The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
