i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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