I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
