I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Randomize
