the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I bet he comes in French.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
