true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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