who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
