i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I need a beard to bite.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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