You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Shame - the story of my life.
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