I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
