Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize