It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
