Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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