Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
