i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize