this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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