On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
