i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
