I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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