I'm sorry my penis didn't work
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
