He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
