i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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