just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
