Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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