she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
