You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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