remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
