My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
