This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
