Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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