If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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