he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
This toilet bowl is my home.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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