During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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