1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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