I skipped work to stalk him.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
