yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
