if you like me you must not know who I am
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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