Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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