she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
