when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize