I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
