The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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